How Love Yourself While Wanting To Change Your Body + "Did you gain weight?" Story

"Did you gain weight?"

That question stunned me so much that my mind immediately started racing and I can't even remember with those were the exact words asked to me..all I can remember from this brief conversation this past weekend is that someone thought I looked bigger, less healthy, and been eating too much...at least that is how my mind interpreted it. 

It felt like I was thrown back in time to standing in my childhood kitchen hearing my father say "Don't go for seconds. You don't want to be a fat teenager."

While neither of these statement spoken to me by people who love me was meant to hurt it, they did. 

One contributed to two eating disorders I survived during my high school years and the other led to this blog. 

For the past two years I have been preaching self love over own my Instagram, but still struggle daily with it. I allowed that struggle to make me feel like an imposter..like a fraud...like I wasn't even good enough to speak on this topic because it has been such a battle in own life.

I hesitated even writing this blog or sharing the struggle on Instagram for those reasons, but then I remember what I tell all my coaches who are just starting their businesses "you don't have to be great to start...but you have to start to be great!" 

This weekend when I got asked "did you gain weight?" I had to coach myself.

In that moment I went into defense mode and came up with the quickest response to get out of the conversation. "Oh maybe! I was just cleared to lift weights again after all my scoliosis issues so I have been bulking up." While that may be partly true considering I just started a new weight lifting program, my intention behind saying it was to find an excuse for my apparently bigger body so that the other person didn't think I was gaining weight unintentionally.

I let my fear talk in that moment. If I could go back, I would educate the other person on how triggering that question, or any comment on weight, can be for people and you never know how has gone through an eating disorder. I would share my personal struggle with orthorexia and binge eating disorder. I would share how I beat both, but still struggle with body image, emotional eating, and positive mindset. I would practice what I preach and use every moment on this earth to spread love.

After the interaction I felt drained and out of my pink cloud because I was operating in a fear based energy instead using love. So I had to choose love again. Love for myself, for the other person, for the little girl still trying to overcome her inner demons.

I went upstairs, locked the bedroom door, grabbed my selenite, sat on the hardwood floors near the windows, and imagined the sunlight  peaking in and selenite I was holding cleansing my soul. Immediately I felt myself relax. I felt the anxiety and fear dissipate. I felt back in my pink cloud. I could have just stopped there, but true healing cannot occur until you clear the fears that live below the triggers...not just throw a crystal bandaid and positive vibes on top of.

So I started tapping. I started saying aloud exactly what I felt while hitting on the energy medians of my body. I allowed the anger, pain, feelings of "not good enough", and fear all come to the surface so I could clear it. I allowed memories of the past come up so I could break through them.

But there is a big difference between reliving the memories to clear and elevate versus reliving the memories and staying stuck in them. If you desire true healing from any past memory, you must face them head on, ask yourself "is this ultimately true?", and dig deep into what you now choose to be true for you.

For me, today, I choose to be true that I am enough because I say I am. I am a spirit in a physical body here to bring others closer to their own light. I choose to love my body for all it is and decide others opinions of me is none of my business. I choose to use this painful experience for good. I choose to heal from this so I can help others do the same. I choose to elevate above it all. I choose to move forward in love.

But I also choose to fuel my body more intentionally. I choose to workout to keep my body active. I choose to avoid excess sugar and carbohydrates because my body does not thrive on them. I choose to drink more water because hydration and happiness are correlated. I choose to lose a few pounds because this excess weight is not good for my health and my highest self is glowing with health.

You can simultaneously love your body and want to transform it at the same time. Actually that is the only way to achieve your highest self. You must be grateful and love your being if you ever wish to improve it.

If you start a diet or workout program because you hate the way your body looks or feels, you are setting yourself up for failure long term. Anytime you make a change, even if it ultimately leads to more love, from a fear based energy you will not succeed with ease.

In order to truly heal from the past and create positive change in any area of your reality, you must operate from love. Love is a catalysis for change. When you choose to change for the better from a love based energy than you can co-create with the universe to find a solution of the highest good.

This may look like choosing to walk on your lunch break  because you body craves activity after sitting at work for 5 hours. Maybe you decide to eat more vegetables and less carbohydrates because your body feels high vibes after a salad but low vibes after pasta. While both of these could lead to weight loss, your intention in doing these actions are because you want to love your body more, not shrink it because society says you should.

Focusing on love allows you to remove expectations, others opinions, and your own agenda so that the universe can do her thing and allow you to elevate to your highest self with more ease and more grace.

While many can lose weight by forcing salads down their throat and dreading their 5 mile run. it is not the path of least resistance and will not heal the pain that got them there.

In order to see positive, long lasting change is any area of your life, you must heal from the past and move forward in love.

Yesterday I healed from my past memories, fear based stories, and limiting thoughts by EFT tapping through the pain, asking for divine guidance going forward, and expressing gratitude for every cell in my being. Today I move forward in love by choosing to drink more water, smiling at my naked body in the mirror, and doing yoga tonight because it feels amazing to my soul and sore muscles.

I hope today you choose to choose love for your body as well.

PS. I cannot keep my promise to spread more love and light in this world if I do not mention my online body positive bootcamp, Vitality Virtual Fit Studio. If you desire to transform into your highest self while loving yourself every step of the way, this may be for you! Click here for all the details <3

PSS. Read my blog here on how I overcame emotional eating!

PS. Our New Emotional Eating Course is launching soon! Sign up below for updates, free tips, and coupon codes!